Below is a student’s discussion essay. Read through the essay and then answer the questions below.
Some people think that the government should fund music, dance and arts lessons for children. Others think that they should be funded by private businesses or by children’s families. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Student Essay
It is argued in the statement that government should contribute in music, dance and arts learning of the children whereas many others think that it is the responsibility of parents or local organisations to support these programs. In my opinion, the above mentioned subjects should be aided by the concerning and governing bodies of a state.
On the one hand, it is often thought by many people that government of a state should contribute in learning of arts and cultural subjects such as music and dance for the children. For example, in some secondary schools, government provides material required in the construction of different art projects or instruments like guitar and keyboard to learn music. This example clearly shows that by providing support to the young students, government could easily promote cultural and traditional values all around the world. Hence, governments are responsible for the growth of arts and music.
On the other hand, according to some people, instead of governing bodies, children’s families or private agencies should participate in the growth and learning of music, dance or other arts work. For instance, students of a single class may not be equally interested in learning music or dance, so funding by the government could be wasted in this manner. Therefore, it is important that parents of interested kids should groom their children by sending them to the private institutions where they can enjoy their preferences. In this way, funds by the government can be utilized well on some other things.
To conclude, I believe that government should provide all the facilities of learning arts and music, as this is the cultural heritage which should be preserved internationally.
Questions
- Does the student give a clear opinion? What is their opinion? Answer
The answer is given quite well. The student believes the government should pay for the lessons. However, the vocabulary is not completely clear “the concerning and governing bodies of a state.” The word “concerning” is irrelevant and is slightly confusing. The thesis statement should be very clear and vocabulary 100% accurate so only write about the government.
- Is the information in the introduction relevant?Answer
Yes, the information given is mostly relevant. There is no unnecessary information given. There is a background statement and a thesis statement. However, the introduction could be improved by using more precise vocabulary. For example, the students wrote “government should contribute in music, dance and arts learning” but this essay is about money and funding not just contributing. Again in the thesis statement the student writes “should be aided” but this essay is not about giving help, it’s about money. “The student is trying to avoid repeating the word “funding” but it should be repeated – you can get a band score 9 even with that word repeated. Another way to say it is “pay for”.
- What reasons are given in the essay for the government to fund lessons in school? Can you think of other reasons?Answer
The ideas are not completely clear but they are that the government can pay for equipment and can help in the growth of the arts. This could be written more clearly “One reason for government funding is that the government has more financial resources to pay for expensive equipment needed to run top quality classes. Another benefit of state funded lessons is that they can help promote these subjects on a wider scale.” Thes e are the main reasons.
- What reasons are given in the essay for lessons to be privately funded? Are they correct? Can you think of more?Answer
The reasons are that students are not all equally interested in art or music and another reason is that students can enjoy their preferences in private lessons. These are good reasons but in this paragraph there is also disadvantages of government funding – that is not needed in this paragraph. This paragraph should be about private funding only. Other reasons why privately funded lessons are better – 1. teachers can adapt lessons to suit the individual learner 2. the time and length of lesson is more flexible 3. classes are either individual or one-to-one so there’s more feedback and support
- Can you find an example of non academic words?Answer
Yes, the word “kid”. This student is worried about repeating the word “children” and it over paraphrasing. Children are children – the word will be repeated. “kid” is not academic. Also the word “like” used as a linking device is not academic.
- What band score would you give this essay?Answer
The essay structure is excellent. The ideas are mostly relevant. It would probably get about 6.5. It could get band score 7 if the vocabulary was more accurate and the student wrote about funding rather than helping.
- What advice would you give this student to improve?Answer
Don’t try to paraphrase all words. Decide which words can and cannot be paraphrase accurately. Also don’t change the meaning of the essay. Over paraphrasing is as problematic as under paraphrasing. This essay is about funding not about contributing or aiding. Underline the key words in the essay question and always make sure you are answering them.
Hi Liz,
My tutor said that, I should not write my opinion in the introduction part, as it has to be in the conclusion. She has our opinions should be given in the end but not in the beginning. Im talking about the discussion essays where we need to give our opinion. Could you please tell me, where exactly I need to write my opinion?
There are no such rules in IELTS.
Thank you soo much ☺️
Hi Liz,
I also have same question my instructor also said that “you should not write your opinion at the begining but in the conclusion” should we write our opinion at the thesis statement if we dont have to how our thesis statement should be for opinion or discussion essays?
This is not true at all. There are no such rules at all in IELTS.
Can i use the word, finance instead of fund?
As a verb, yes.
Hi Liz,
Can I write both views in question which ask,to what extent do you agree or disagree ?
Some tutors are saying you should present both sides …
If there are two issue to address, you must present your view on both. If there is one issue, you present your view on it and nothing more. You do not write about other people’s opinions.
Dear Liz,
Thanks for the wonderful tips and ideas.
I have one question for this essay . For BP1
Govt should fund for art because it will have clear benefits out of this considering the impact art has on different sectors such as entertainment and tourism .
Is this a valid topic sentence.need your opinion
Your topic sentence is unclear. This is about funding lessons – you need to state that again in your topic sentence. A topic sentence should be a direct answer – a full answer.
Thank you for providing information and tips on writing essays, Liz. Most of the sites that I browse confuse me and provide too much information, overwhelming I guess. But your lessons are clear and condesed and I find it useful. I still am not that confident in my writing because, as my friends comment, my essays have nice ideas but have less expounding. Nevertheless, I will keep on browsing your blog and pick up gems. I will be taking my second IELTS exam soon and hopefully, by the 30th of September I will be more than ready and confident in taking the test. My previous score was 6.5 and I need to get a 7. Again, thank you very much!
I’m really pleased my website is helping you. I’ve provided loads of free information, tips, videos and model essays for writing task 2 on this page: https://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task-2/. Check all links and take your time. Don’t miss the page about the band scores: https://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task-2-band-scores-5-to-8/. There is a similar page for task 1. If you need more detailed training for task 2, I do sell advanced lessons: http://subscriptions.viddler.com/IELTSLizStore
Hello liz, i just finished today my ielts academic test in dubai, I forgot to put my conclusion in part 2 essay, how many percent it will affect from my total scores?
Question part 2: some people believe that having educational qualifications will have a great success in life. Others believe that educational qualification is not necessary for the success in life.
Discuss both iew and give your opinion
You will get a lower score for Task Response which is 25% of your task 2 marks.
Dear Liz
Hope you doing great!
I tried writing the essay using help from your ideas. Could you please access it. It will be a great gesture 🙂 Thanks in advance.
It is often thought by some people that funding of lessons such as arts, music and dance should be done by the government. However, there are others who think that these subjects should be paid by the parents or the private organisations. In my opinion, I believe, the government of the state should pay for the lessons of art, danceand music.
On the one hand, there are people who think that music, dance and art lessons should be funded by the government. Take for an illustration, government can finance for classes which require expensive equipments such as harmoniums and pianos. In addition to this, the government has adequate financial resources to pay for the classes on a wider scale. For example, in may secondary schools, government make facilities for huge dance rooms, art galleries where students can leran these subjects in groups with training from the skilled teachers. This would help in learning the subjects with commitment, dedication and interest as children will realise how schools and government work together to make them learn the cultural subjects.
On the other hand, other people think that subjects of art, dancr and music should be paid by the parents or the private organisations. For example, there woyld be certain group of children who are not interested in learning these subjects in groups. In this scenario, parents can let them join private classes and pay for hese classes where the classes would be more flexible and teachers csn guide them on one-to-onr basis.
In conclusion, I believe, all facilities should be made available by the government of the state for art,dance and music as these are cultural subjects and heritage shoyld be preserved internationally.
Sorry I don’t comment on writing.
It is considered by many that funding for learning music, dance and other arts subjects for children is the responsibility of their parents. However others argue that governmental funding for the same is inevitable. In my opinion, although parents and private institutions can support children individually, governmental aid for furthering arts is indispensable.
my introduction for this topic
Hi Liz. If I agree with one side then I do not need to write the third paragraph about my opinion. do you mean that?
If you agree with one side then that is your opinion.
hi liz, thanks for the wonderful job that you are doing for us. could you check my introduction, please. And also I have some question.
the essay topic is : Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising their children, and therefore the government should support them financially. Do you agree or disagree
Many consider that mothers are good at household management, particularly child-rearing so that they should stay at home in order to take care of their children. And governments should provide them some financial assistance. I completely agree with this statement and I’ll extend my opinion throughout the essay.
and then in second graph i wrote about why female is suitable for child caring and in third paragraph i wrote about the reason why government’s should help. Is it right?
Sorry I don’t comment on writing.
Liz
Can i paraphrase children with minors? thanks
Not unless you are talking about law in which children are seen as minors.
Liz