Sample essay about judging success in business. This essay question asks two direct questions which you must answer about the way success in business can be measured. The essay below was written by a student but as one major flaw – can you find it.
Essay Question
Some people think that the only way to judge someone’s success in business is by the amount of money they make.
Is money a true indicator of the success of a business?
In what other ways could success in a business be measured?
Student’s Essay
It is argued in the statement that achievement and success in business can only be judged by the amount earned by the people. From my perspective, money is a true and most valuable criterion to mark success of a business. There are different other ways to measure business success which will be taken into account prior to reaching an informed conclusion.
Money is considered as a correct and reliable index to predict the strength of a successful business. For example, families of victorious business owners are rolling in money just because they earn a lot to fulfil the needs and demands of their dependents. It is clearly evident from the given example that the amount of money directly correlates with the huge productivity and outcome of a trade. So, it is only possible for someone to deal with all the life affairs very coherently with an ample amount of earning.
There are many other potential ways in which the peak of running business can be measured easily. Firstly, different deals and standard packages are only offered by the leading multinational companies. Secondly, a power of occupation can also be judged by the remarkable number of clients. Thirdly, an organization can also become successful with happy clerks and working staff. Finally, a success of a business can be related to the amount of taxes paid by its owners, as increased income will lead to more tax payments.
To conclude, although money is the most important way to determine the effectiveness of a business but other methods are also very important to tackle multiple problems in running a business. By following the above mentioned protocols, economy would have a bright future internationally.
Assessing the Essay Above
- Should the thesis statement begin with “From my prospective, …”
- Does the thesis statement provide answers to the questions?
- Does the first body paragraph answer the first question?
- Does the second body paragraph answer the second question?
- Does the topic sentence ( the first sentence) for each paragraph contain the main point?
- Are linking devices used well?
- What other comments can you make about this essay?
- It is better to start with “In my opinion”. See this lesson about how to give your opinion in an IELTS essay.
- Yes, each question should be answered in the introduction.
- Yes.
- Some of the points are off topic. Some ideas about how a company can become successful instead of how success is measured.
- The topic sentence for BP1 is fine and provides a clear answer. However, the topic sentence for BP2 is not clear because it doesn’t mention about measuring success of a business but about measuring the running of a business (which is not the same thing).
- Yes, they are used well.
- More time needs to be spent planning ideas to make sure they are on topic. Here are some tips on planning an IELTS essay.
IELTS Model Essays Band Score 9, click to open
Main IELTS Pages
Develop your IELTS skills with tips, lessons, free videos and more.
What kind of essay question is it then, when it ask for our opinion?
I found it very hard to get a clear structure, because I didn´t understand what the examiner want.
Hello Liz!
Regarding the above essay about the measurement of success, you said that the student has written some off topic sentences. Why is it that his band score is still 9? Would it not affect the task response? thank you
Thanks for mentioning that. It was supposed to be a link to model essays. The link is now active.
Hello,
thank you so much for everything again…I just stuged soöething in the first paragraph.
Is that correct, ‘prior to reaching’ due to having both gerund and to infinitive all together?
Sincerely,
Hi Liz,
I have gone through most of your model essays. Extremely helpful indeed. Regarding the above essay, I feel it does not ask for our opinion, hence writing, “in my perspective”, should be avoided. Am I wrong in understanding this? Kindly comment.
Thanks a lot !
The first question will be answered differently by different people because of their opinion. It is asking for your opinion. Also please note that “in my perspective” is incorrect English, it should be “from my perspective”.
All the best
Liz